Categories: General
      Date: May 31, 2007
     Title: ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH: Jonah Goldberg

National Review Online editor Jonah Goldberg has sunk lower than most of the penny-a-dozen conservative commentators polluting TV and cyberspace with insanity and lies. More nauseating than the contents of a stalker astronaut’s diapers, Goldberg is a two-faced war wimp and global-warming justifier.

Goldberg was one of those bloodthirsty ballyhooers who pushed Bush’s wars. In 2003 he wrote: “In the weeks prior to the war to liberate Afghanistan, a good friend of mine would ask me almost every day, ‘Why aren’t we killing people yet?’ And I never had a good answer for him. Because one of the most important and vital things the United States could do after 9/11 was to kill people.” 

But of course, armchair general Goldberg doesn’t put his money where his mouth is. When the saber-rattling, yellow-bellied coward is challenged about having never served a single day of his miserable life in uniform, Goldberg replies: “As for why my sorry a** isn’t in the kill zone, lots of people think this is a searingly pertinent question. No answer I could give—I’m 35 years old, my family couldn’t afford the lost income, I have a baby daughter…—ever seems to suffice. But this chicken-hawk nonsense is something that’s been batted around too many times to get into again here.”

We understand why this sniveling, spineless, service-age milksop doesn’t want “to get into” it. Thousands of thirtysomethings are in Iraq, despite their families’ income loss, children they can’t raise, etc. Face it like a man, Goldbrick: You don’t have the balls to fight the wars you promote. Like Dick-less Cheney and all of the other right-wing war wimp blowhards, you have “other priorities.” Besides, it’s been so easy to trick the working class and minorities into fighting for you.

Chicken-hearted chicken hawks like Jonah always chicken out. Now he’s reneging on a wager he offered Middle East scholar Dr. Juan Cole during a February 2005 online debate. Goldberg wrote:  “I predict that Iraq won’t have a civil war, that it will have a viable constitution and that a majority of Iraqis and Americans will, in two years time, agree that the war was worth it. I’ll bet $1,000 (which I can hardly spare right now). … [Put your] money where your mouth is, doc. One caveat: Because I don’t think it’s right to bet on such serious matters for personal gain, if I win, I’ll donate the money to the USO.” How noble!

A disgusted Cole declined the bet, calling it symbolic of “the neo-imperial American Right. They are making their own fortunes with a wager on the fates of others, whom they are treating like ants. ... [Goldberg is] betting on Iraqis as though they are greyhounds in a race.” 
Two years later, now that Goldberg has been proven completely wrong, he refuses to pay up because Cole did not accept his offer. Point well taken—but since the stingy Goldberg would have lost the bet, the decent thing is to contribute $1,000 to the USO anyway.

Jonah is a chip off the old blockhead. His repugnant, scumbag mother, Lucianne Goldberg, has a long history of dirty tricks. She is the literary agent who suggested Linda Tripp secretly tape her phone calls with Monica Lewinsky about the intern’s affair with President Clinton. (Lucianne apparently knows something about White House hanky-panky: In the 1960s, she allegedly fucked both President Lyndon B. Johnson and VP Hubert Humphrey. What a slut!)

During the 1972 Presidential race, Lucianne was supposedly paid $1,000 per week by the Nixon campaign to pose as a reporter and spy on Democratic nominee George McGovern. (Hey, give some of that dough to the USO too!) In 1983, author Kitty Kelley sued Lucianne for breach of contract, winning $40,000. (Sorry, USO!)

Jonah “Goldilocks” Goldberg is nothing if not his mother’s son. Maybe that’s why this mommy’s boy is too scared to fight his own battles in Afghanistan or Iraq. Let’s hope this Asshole gets swallowed by a great right whale soon.